I’m going to start with a story. It’s like one of those Aesop’s Fables. Although I think it might actually have come from a real place – if it has, please let me know! 🤔
It’s about a shark that’s swimming around this big tank, and there’s fish everywhere, and it’s having the time of its life swimming around and eating all of these fish. And then the researchers put this block of Plexiglas in the centre of the tank – and the shark tries to get to the fish and every time it just bangs into the Plexiglas. It’s like “OK”, dusts itself off, then “BANG”, and it keeps going, and keeps going, and keeps going. And eventually it’s so tired, and so broken down, and bruised, and bloody, and just thinks it cannot go on. And it stops. And when it stops, they remove the glass, and the fish swim around, but the shark doesn’t go after them – because he’s learned that it hurts. Learned that it doesn’t work. That there isn’t any point doing that 🤕
Can you recognise yourself in that? Maybe now? Maybe in the past? Have you tried so many times and just been knocked back, and knocked back, and knocked back until you’ve just stopped? 😔
Because if you have, then I feel for you and I get it, and I’ve been there many times in my life as well 🙏
So this is a message to you that's all about keeping on going ✌️
And the reason why, is because if you stop in that moment, when you’re bleeding and bloody, and on the floor, exhausted; feeling like there’s no point in continuing. Then that is all your life will be. That is what you’re left with 😶
But, if you get up, if you try again, if you learn from what hasn’t worked before, if you seek a new opportunity, if you are brave enough to put yourself out there again – just like in the instance with the shark – you never know if that could be the time that you BANG… move. Get the fish. Get that outcome. Get that person. Have that success at work. Get that investment in your business. Find that person that you’ve been longing for. Build the relationship, the friendships, the community. Build the body that you’ve been dreaming of, that you’ve been yearning for 💪
If you don’t keep going, then you never will get the opportunity to do that 🌌
So how do you keep going? 🤷🏻♀️
Tony Robbins often talks about when we have a big enough why, we can withstand any how. And I absolutely love that, because it becomes about being driven by something… usually something bigger than ourselves! We want to make a valuable contribution to others - whether that’s our family, the people we work with, or our community. Or, we reach a point where it’s like “This is it for me, now”. Like with me stopping smoking and drinking. It’s like “This is it; I’m done having these things holding me back in my life” 💥
Or maybe for you, it's when decided to lose a ton of weight, because you just hit that point where you’re like “No more, I want my life, and this is stopping me and so this is the choice I’m making.” So, we can hit those points – we can get that really big why. It might be that we want to be healthy for our children when we’re older, it might be that we want to live freely and go and adventure out in the world, that we want to have that deep love – whatever it is, that big why 🌟
But what I also think is very interesting to understand about that why - is the neurochemistry we need to be able to sustain it; and how we need an image of what the outcome will be in our mind. Of what we actually want to achieve 🧠
I’m going to break those down now 👩🏻🏫
So firstly, the neurochemicals that we’re playing with when go after the why... Interestingly, common knowledge sees dopamine as a reward neurotransmitter – a reward chemical – and it is absolutely instrumental and key in the reward circuitry in the brain. But what it is not, is the reward itself. What it does is it drives us towards the reward. So, think dopamine, think pursuit 🏃🏾♀️
If you’re one of those people who goes after the thing, and when you get the thing you feel pretty empty, that’s because you’ve run out of your little dopamine run. Because you’ve been chasing the dopamine, you’re going after the thing – and then BANG, you get to the end of it…where’s the dopamine gone? Ah…shit, right? 😕
On the other side of that, what we have is a sense of contentment, of fulfilment, of love, of connection, of being part of something more, part of something bigger - and that is driven by very different neurochemicals. That’s driven by serotonin and oxytocin – they’re really the neurotransmitters of having. So, dopamine is of wanting or pursuing, and serotonin and oxytocin of having. Oxytocin is specifically in relation to others, which is why it’s called the “cuddle hormone” and the “love hormone”. It’s in relation to what we have, the people we have, the connection we have to others 🫂
So, what we want to do when thinking about our why, is bring those two elements together 🏃🏾♀️➕ 🫂
We want to be able to keep moving forwards in pursuit of it, to go from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm (Churchill). We absolutely need to be driving through by having that why, having that point that we’re wanting to go after, working so hard on the tasks on the way to that with dopamine. But we also need to have a clear image of what that will feel like and look like, because otherwise how will we know when we’ve got there? How will we know when we’re successful? How will we know we’ve achieved that thing that we’re longing for, and how we will know when we’re in situations that don’t reflect that and that we actually need to something very differently? 🖼
I’m going to speak very vulnerably now; I was in a situation recently with another person and I’d had this image in my head of what was right for me, and what I wanted and needed in my life. And when I was sat across from this other person, I realised that it was so far from that image of what I’d been seeking. What I needed. That it became a very easy choice to walk away from that situation. I’ve not had that before, because I haven’t had that point of comparison. I’ve just evolved within the situation itself and had some loose idea of what I wanted, without that clear image. That’s why it’s so important to have that image. My clear image was bound in serotonin and oxytocin. It was bound in connection. It was bound in love. It was bound in contentment and fulfilment 🤍
So that’s what I invite you to do… whether it’s how you will feel when you get that body, when you walk out on the beach or climb that mountain. How it will feel when you get that investment in your business. Or you get that incredible new career opportunity, whether it’s within your current work, or a new job that you’ve been longing for. How that will feel in that moment. And what you’ll be able to do as a result of that. The people you’ll be able to connect with. How it will feel to relate that information to the people in your life, and really play that out 🤩
And so when we do this, we’re not just relying on the chase, the pursuit – we also have a clear idea of what we’re going towards, so we’re really anchoring the why 🏃🏾♀️➕ 🫂➕ 🖼 ＝🤩
And finally, one of the things I’ve really reflected on lately – and I wonder if this is true for you too – is how you continue 👀
Not just when it’s failure to failure – like the shark in the tank – but when you’re left with no signs that what you are going after is going to emerge for you, or is even available to you. How do you persevere then? 😐
It’s about what we do when it’s dark that matters when it’s light.
We can have times in our lives like a bleak winter, where you look out at that field and there’s nothing growing, and you can assess in the snapshot of that moment that this is never going to be true for me – and when we do this we can give up. And that’s because we’re placing what is possible for us on the circumstances that we’re currently faced with 🙁
My dear friend Charlotte actually said this to me when I was going through a tough time recently: “You cannot judge your future, or your potential, or your capability, or any of those things, on what your current reality is.” And that’s such an incredible insight, because we can look out on that bleak and barren field and we can say “There’s nothing there for me.” However, we can’t see what’s growing under the surface 🙈
And so, in those moments it is our duty to ourselves to plant seeds 🌱
I was sharing a message with a friend recently who’s going through a tough time, and one of the things I communicated to her was that it’s about what we do when it’s dark that matters when it’s light. It’s about how we plant those seeds. It’s about what we invest in, each day, even if it’s just 1 thing, that’s going to make things 1% better 📈
Then, when the sun comes out, you know that spring is here, and those beautiful investments, those seeds that we’ve planted, start to grow 🌾
Even in that bleak winter, when we’ve been knocked back and knocked back and knocked back, and we’re bleeding and bloody and tired, and we can’t see any hope that the beautiful vision – the thing we want so much – we see no evidence of that…well, that is our call to begin planting those seeds, whatever they might be 🌱
So, if it’s your body, how do you then start to lay that foundation? 7 Is it about an exercise routine that you start with for only 10 minutes a day? Is it that you arrange more opportunities at work, or apply for more things? Do you ask for feedback? Is it that you put yourself out there in a relationship? You exercise? You eat healthily? You get your sleep? You hit those baselines. Because you’re planting the seeds to have that physical health and to have that mental health, for when things do start to flourish and to grow 🪴
Your 3 Keys 🗝
Think about the shark in the tank and make sure that you don’t give up – because in that moment, when you’ve given up, that could be the very moment when you have your breakthrough 💥
Don’t just focus on the pursuit of the things you want, but get a clear idea of what that is, so you can have that as a point of comparison, and a beacon to move towards. To take you away from situations that don’t serve you. To serve as your reference point when you’re in the darkness. That’s your light. That’s your beacon when you’re in the darkness. When the field is bleak. When there’s nothing growing 🌟
And then think – how do you, in that moment, plant those seeds in the dark… that will flourish in the light 🌱
BIG love, always.
Rebecca 🤍
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